Burning Wild (Or Why I May Reconsider My Stance on Book Burning: Part I)

Burning Wild (Christine Feehan, Jove Publishing)

Dear Wild,
I’m sure you’re familiar with this little piece of  Windows Movie Maker magic; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfSyf0awhFo

But have you honestly watched that trailer?  And if you can get through the entire thing without laughing at the ridiculousness of it all... well, I’m not sure if I should commend you on your gracious nature, or if I should be concerned for your mental well being. Regardless, this is just the tip of the iceberg. We have more pressing issues to get to right now, but don’t think you’ve gotten away with this piece of painful propaganda. Oh no, that’s just for another post. Kate, I leave this trash in your oh so capably snarky hands.

Christine Feehan is a supposed New York Times bestseller. So I’m left wondering how she achieved such a title with characters who lack development and with whom the reader is completely unable to identify, as well as a plot that is basically nonexistent and which parades new “supporting” characters and settings throughout in some sort of sick attempt to see how confused the reader can get before hurling this piece of trash at the wall. True, I picked up this novel expecting it to be one of those "So Bad It's Good" reads, but this little treasure is more of the "So Bad It's Horrible" persuasion.

No, these problems will have to be saved for another day’s rant. Before an author writes a story they must conduct research regarding their topic. So before I tear into the depravity of this novel, I merely wish to raise a few questions about the author’s research.  

I’m not against science fiction, in fact I’m a huge fan, and am willing to believe that in this world you’ve created certain individuals are theriomorphs (big word for having an animal form) and due to some genetic anomaly they can turn into leopards. Fine. Your world, your rules. But if such people exist, wouldn’t they originate from the region where their animal counterpart is from?

Some examples from history:

~Norse Berserkers (note: origin for the word berserk) worked themselves into such a frenzy, which may have been aided by drugged food, that before entering into battle they were believed to be possessed by spirits of wolves or bears.

~North American folklore and native culture legend is full of tales and traditions where individuals (usually a warrior or shaman) take on an animal form via a spirit quest of masked ritual. Forms are varied acorrding to local culture and species - the coyote is common in the Great Plains region versus the grizzly bear in the North West, etc.

~The boto is a common Brazilian mythwhere in river dolphins can take the shapes of men. Another Brazilian legend holds that the seventh son of a seventh son can take the form of a horse, mule, goat, maned wolf, or a pig.

~African folklore tells of men (again usually shamans or important religious figures)  who can take the form of an animal including gazelle, hippopotamus, hyenas, jackals, lions, and leopards.

These are just a few very basic examples of theriomorphs and I encourage you read any of the multitude of books available on the subject. This is a fascinating motif and is found in some form or other in almost every culture across the world. Notice though, that no matter the culture a few similarities are present:

1. The animal form is always local to the culture, and therefore plays an important role in daily if not also religious life. (ex. wolves may be regarded as a spiritual animal but since they are also a fellow predator and potential threat you can bet that everyone thinks about them. A lot.)

2. The animal form is generally a mammal. This makes sense because we identify most with mammals above all others in the animal kingdom, because (duh) we are mammals.

3. There is usually a process or event required for the transformation from human to animal (or visa versa). Be it ritual, full moon, drugged food, spirit quest, or a particular time of year, people don’t just *poof* into animals at random. That goes more into god territory as far as mythology is concerned, so it’s kinda frowned upon if just anyone can do it.

There are other similarities, but maybe I’ll save that for a Halloween post. Moving on.

Alright, so let’s just assume that Jake (the male lead and leopard man here) doesn’t need a ritual or specific event to become a leopard. Fine. Why oh why then, is he said to come from native peoples in South America? Leopards aren’t from South America, they are from Africa and Asia. You’re on the wrong continent group!

Maybe you’re confused. That’s OK, it happens to the best of us.

Wait... you aren’t?

You centered your research around Borneo?

Well then. That’s in South East Asia. Kinda close, I mean, the clouded leopard lives there. Too bad it isn’t actually a leopard. The clouded leopard’s scientific name is Neofelis nebulosa literally meaning “new cat” and “cloud” because scientists had never seen a cat that looked like a cross between the Panthera “big cats” and Felis the “small cats”. Nice effort though.

There are lots of subspecies of leopard for you to pick from. Please just make sure you know if it’s actually a leopard before you post it on your  "Leopard Series Research Page".

Ok, so you did something you like to call research. Posted a few things about Borneo and about leopards... That’s a cute effort, but when one of your sources goes to a phishing site and the other to “Snow Leopards for Kids!” well, I can’t help it if I wonder how much time you actually spent in researching this animal you devote a whole series of your books to. I mean, there is National Geographic, African Wildlife Foundation, hundreds of scientific papers, journals, and articles written about this lovely creature. Heck, a wiki search would have given you more! Let me google that for you...Leopard!

So really, I’m begging you here. If you’re going to write about something, and your (limited) research tells you where that something is from, why do you choose to ignore the research and substitute your own reality instead? Is South America really all that  much sexier than Africa? Ok, maybe it is. But then why not call it the Jaguar series? They are found in the Americas, prefer the rainforest, and are a threatened species if that’s what you were looking for. They even look similar....

Leopard

Jaguar

So what’s the deal? Why did you decide to blur the lines of the animal kingdom?

Laziness is never to be encouraged. Especially in one who has a job others would die for. You get to go on fun trips in the name of research, write whatever your imagination can come up with, and while I’m not saying your job is easy, I would expect at least a bit more effort being put into these books.

We have more issues to discuss here, Wild. But for now I’m going to let you think about what you’ve done. And hope you’re New York Times’ Bestseller butt has a bit more respect for her readers next time and can put some real effort into her research.

~Mia

Rushed to the Altar (part the first)

Rushed to the Altar (Jane Feather, Pocket Books Romance)

There’s so much going (wr)on(g) with this one that the only way I can do this is to go chronologically, thematically... whatever. And so, before you even look at the back cover, we have a critic quote:

“Dynamic.” (-Booklist)

That’s the best thing anyone could think to say about this book, and they were right. Even worse, below the title is the subscript “First time in print!” Dear reader, have you thought about what that means? Probably it was webfic first. Which isn’t to say that all webfic is bad… but it’s usually pretty terrible. This book is not the exception to prove that rule.

Dear Rushed,

There are a number of things we need to discuss here. Let’s proceed in an orderly fashion.

(I) Setting

(A) Speech patterns

You seem to think that your setting is London, 1761. Not a bad time. Unfortunately, you also seem to have multiple personalities. The less egregious of these is somewhere closer to the London of 1820. The other is in Texas.

“Well, now you’re all here, let’s get on with it.” He drew the rosary up to his chest. “Tell ‘em, Alton.”” *

Rushed, I am willing to forgive let’s. I might even be able to forgive you’re. But I cannot in any conscience forgive ‘em. Never mind the sentence structure—which is far cruder than a viscount whose filthy rich family could presumably afford tutors for their sons ought to be using—have you even heard of the belles lettres? Elocution? These things were important! Ah, I hear you say, the point is that he’s crude. Yes, well, we got that. You don’t need to make him sound like a rancher to boot.

Further, I only heard you mention Clarissa putting on a fake accent as part of a disguise once, despite the fact that she’s running a fake identity for most of the book. A fake identity from a completely different social class, which anyone with two neurons to rub together would know hadn’t had the education needed to speak like an intelligible socialite. Should have been Tip #1 for dear Jasper.

And then there’s “love nest.” Not just once, no, sometimes multiple instances in a conversation. I just… there’s… No, I can’t.

(* Shelly, I’m really sorry to see that name appear in this context too.)

(B) Fashion

I haven’t noticed any particular faults with the men’s fashions… but the women’s. This isn’t Austen’s England, Rushed. From Wikipedia:

Fashion in the period 1750–1795 in European and European-influenced countries reached heights of fantasy and abundant ornamentation, especially among the aristocracy of France, before a long-simmering movement toward simplicity and democratization of dress under the influence of Jean-Jacques Rousseau and the American Revolution led to an entirely new mode and the triumph of British tailoring following the French Revolution.

1750-1795 includes 1761, just to make sure we’re clear, and fantasy, of course, includes panniers, stays, and lots of silk and lace. Which are never mentioned, even though a good third of the pages involve dresses either being made or dressed up in. You’d think something that painful, time-consuming, and difficult to move in might get acknowledged when heaven knows everything else has. Au contraire, your outfit descriptions seem to consist of a chemise, a gown (as often as not muslin), and outerwear, which sounds a lot more like Rousseau and Empire waists than Heights of Fantasy.

(C) England itself

I’m not sure you noticed, Rushed, seeing how preoccupied you are with everyone brooding and lying to each other, but Sullivan is an Irish name. This man is supposed to be old blue blood from Northumberland? Let’s have a map:

This is current-day Northumberland, which is close enough to the historical borders for this point:

This is Ireland:

THAT’S NOT EVEN THE SAME ISLAND! Oh, and I know how you’d like to defend yourself, maybe they were immigrants! Sorry, not immigrants who became English peers! No, that wasn’t very politically correct of me, but this was supposed to be the reign of King George IV, and really, everyone was pretty well established by then. Ish.

Rushed, if your second defense is that you liked the name, fail.

Plus, the estate name. Blackwater. Come on. At least do a rudimentary amount of etymology research and make up something that sounds like the words were smacked together five centuries ago, not five minutes.

Side note: Jasper’s twin brothers are blonde, which was statistically more common in East Anglia. (Danish invasions, Vikings, you know how it goes). And then there’s “He was as dark as his brothers were fair.” Well. Here’s to hoping that Lady Sullivan didn’t get up to anything.

And Clarissa seems to have red hair and jade eyes. I'm not sure I can even touch that. Certainly not the jade thing, but I will say that for the most part, people really thought that red hair meant you had an unstable temper and it was counted as an aesthetic fault. But of course she's beautiful.

(D) La Politesse

Oh, 我的妈 this is what’s been really bugging me. When it was just Jasper calling Clarissa “Mistress Clarissa,” I was going to look away and let it slide. Maybe, Rushed, you thought it was a hooker thing. But no, it didn’t stop there. We have an earl calling a lady to whom he is absolutely no relation simply “Meg,” and the daughters of Lady Morecombe being introduced as Lady Eleanor and Lady Emily rather than the Misses Morecombe and their mother addressed with her given name. Really? And consistently: Master Sullivan, Earl of Blackwater, who isn’t a child; Master Danforth, a lawyer; old Luke, never Mister Astley or “our Uncle Astley;” nor ever a mention of Miss Astley, the squire’s daughter. No, just Mistress Clarissa. These fine people will back me up if you want to fight it. That reminds me…

(E) The Family Business

Rushed, I’m seeing a bit of a disconnect. First we have off the back cover:

“The orphaned daughter of a prosperous merchant, she is searching…”

Fine. But then…

“There’s the squire’s family in Shipbourne—Artley? Ashby? Something like that.” “Astley, that’s it.”

Oh dear, Rushed. What’s this? Back to Wikipedia...

Squires were gentlemen with a coat of arms and were often related to peers. Many could claim descent from knights and had been settled in their inherited estates for hundreds of years. The squire usually lived at the village manor house and owned an estate comprising the village, with the villagers being his tenants. If the squire "owned the living" (i.e. -- "was patron") of the parish church—and he often did—he would choose the rector, a role often filled by the middle son of the squire. Some squires also became the local rector themselves and were known as squarsons—a portmanteau of the words squire and parson. The squire would also have performed a number of important local duties, in particular that of justice of the peace or Member of Parliament.

Rushed, that doesn’t sound like a prosperous merchant at all. That sounds like a gentleman whose full-time job was land-owning. Please to be clearing this up.

(ii) Characters

Rushed, I have some problems with your main characters acting like morons. Without going into details...

Clarissa, if she is such a practical, sensible, intelligent girl as you seem to be trying to imply, ought to try to do better at not attracting suspicion to her disguise, keeping her eye on the main goal, and working towards it in a way that doesn’t include haring off like an idiot at the worst possible time. And I am entirely sure that she could have come up with a plan that wouldn’t preclude all possibility for her marriage or personal livelihood once it succeeded, if she’d ever bothered to really think.

Jasper, if he cares so much that his brothers regard him so highly, might think twice about lying to them, instead of just them finding out about it. So basically he’s a jackass.

Luke’s only motivations seem to be a gambling addiction, so debt, and pure evil. I remain unconvinced. How much is the estate of a country squire really worth, anyway? Who would you sell it to? That shit's a town. Come on, man.

Jasper’s uncle the viscount seems to be a B-list version of Casanova. His motivations also feel like they come down to jackassery. Maybe it runs in the family.

Actually, there aren’t any other characters who get enough screen time to be discussed. Sad day, Rushed. Sad day.

(iii) Third-Person Omnicient Narration

“‘What do you mean, news?’ Luke, his story well prepared, looked astonished. ‘Is she not here?’”

Oh, Rushed. Did you think I wouldn’t be able to tell when the villain started lying through his teeth? And he had to prepare his story? What kind of heartless bastard with a gambling problem can’t make up a decent lie on the spot? Plus your little bit of description there made that mess three sentences, which really breaks up the flow. But we’ll leave style alone for now.

~Kate

Honestly I haven't even finished this book yet. But maybe we'll just leave this as is.